For most of my adult life, the concept of sex toys was something that snickered about and where many men looked at women using them as proof that they weren't able to handle her needs. That's just not the case for most couples and in fact trying something new can be an exciting opportunity to improve communication, share a special moment together, and who knows ... maybe even find out you've opened a new door that both of you can enjoy in the future as well. The first step however is reaching out to your partner and creating a conversation about the idea of introducing sex toys into your relationship.
When most people think of this topic, they are probably thinking about vibrators and dildos - devices primarily for "her pleasure". However, it is important to look at this as something that works for both of you guys. Also, since every couple is different in their individual or solo experience level, it is important to also understand that while there are some 'advanced toys' ... you can start small with something small and discrete before going crazy with expensive toys that might need some practice before using correctly. Additionally, while it is far more common that your female partner has more experience with toys than you do ... that doesn't mean the toys just have to be for her!
Previously, we shared our own thoughts and advice on using sex toys together in an adult relationship. This time though, we decided to reach out to some of our friends - sex therapists, adult toy store operators, condom manufactures etc. to get their advice for how to best introduce sex toys into your relationship. Let's see what they have to say ...
Start A Conversation To Learn More About Your Partner
Ask your partner if they've ever used a sex toy, or share an experience you've had with one, then you can gage their reaction and potentially move the conversation toward using a sex toy together. - Suzannah Weiss, Certified Sexologist, Sex Educator, and Sex / Love Coach.
Condoms Can Be Part Of Your Bedroom Fun
You can make condom use more playful by adding a little dirty talk and elements of dominance / submission. If using that type of language isn't your thing, you can still address putting on the condom in the context of anticipation. "Once I get this condom on, I'm going to fu** you every which way." – Zachary Zane, sex expert for P.S. Condoms
Try Different Postures And Positions As Well As Different Toys
You can try using a vibrator together while lying down or standing up. This may not seem like much fun at first but if done right, it's sure to add new excitement to your sex life. Use different positions to keep things exciting. Experimenting with various positions can lead to new discoveries and stimulate different parts of your body. - Reda Elmardi, Registered Dietitian, Personal Trainer, and owner of TheGymGoat.com.
Toys Can Be Part Of Role Play
It’s really difficult to desire something that you always have. So, it’s important to discuss role playing and fantasy with a partner that you have been with to keep it fresh. If you are doing the same routine, positions, and pacing… the body won’t be as excited for partnered sex. When you have one day a week set aside for date night, yet you are interested in role playing, you get to be different each week. - Amanda Pasciucco, Certified Sex Therapist.
Don't Just Surprise Her With A Toy Your Bought!
Buying a sex toy for you and your wife for the first time should be a COUPLES thing. So SHOP together, DECIDE together, HAVE FUN together. While it can be tempting to surprise your wife with a new toy, getting her thoughts on what she’d like to use on you, herself, or together ensures that you get the most use out of your purchase. - Dainis Graveris, Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Expert at SexualAlpha.
Use The Shopping Experience To Have A Conversation About Wants And Desires
Don't spring a toy as a gift unless you've received hints that your partner wants the item, or you've had a chance to talk about toy play together. Instead, get a gift card and give your partner more agency about what she wants. Better yet, bring up toy play as one of the many options you both have for fun and pleasure together. If you don't talk like that now--start! It can be easier to talk in general terms about general things. (Wow is Kim Kardashian an exhibitionist or what? Check out this dress! Just one of about ten zillion examples from the media.) This helps you normalize and get comfortable with talk about sex, which can help make it feel less risky to start discussing your actual sex life and desires. - Carol Queen, PhD from GoodVibes.com.
Don't Press The Subject Give Some Time To Think About It (if needed)
Introducing sex toys to your marriage can be a sensitive topic that most people shy away from. If you're the partner who wants to introduce the love toys, I recommend finding the place and time to talk. Most importantly, prepare well and explain why you think using a sex toy can be positive to the relationship.
Give your partner time to think about it. And if the response is positive, go through the shopping experience together. This way, everyone is a part of the process and is invested in seeing it through. - Sandra Larson Ph D, Clinical Sexologist and co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide.
Sex Toys May Be The Secret To Overcoming Health Limitations As You Age
Exploring one’s body with pleasure toys makes it easier for partners to explain to each other what is needed to feel sexually satisfied. Pleasure toys improve sexual health. Antidepressants and other medications affect sexual desire, arousal, and the ability of men and women to climax. Postmenopausal women who have a low libido and vaginal dryness can orgasm by masturbating with a pleasure toy. A prostate massager provides orgasms more powerful than penile orgasms. - Brenda Dressler, Sexual Health Educator and author of Sex Toys: Putting the BOOM back in Boomers.
Start With A PEP Talk
This conversation at times can be a touchy one because the partner on the receiving end of this request might interpret this request as you're not pleasing me versus let's add more fun to our fun! A way to avoid this interpretation can be done via praise, encourage, praise, or PEP for short. Basically, it's a positivity sandwich. An example of how to construct one of these requests is as follows: (Praise) I love when you go down on me and pay exuberant attention to my clit and (encourage) I would like to try adding in some penetration with a vibrator just to see what that might add (praise) to your already phenomenal oral sex skills (additional praise, optional) I might just explode from experiencing a positively overwhelming amount of pleasure. - Courtney Padjen, Centre for Sexual Wellness.
I Had A Dream ...
During breakfast or while engaging in any daily routine you typically have conversations you might mention having this *crazy hot dream*. Last night I had this wild dream! We had climbed in the bed and were making out then you suddenly stopped and said you had a surprise. You went to the closet and you returned with this case of oils, lotions, feather dusters, and toys! We had sex for what seemed like hours! I can't stop thinking about it! Would you be open to *us* going to *Lover's Lane* this weekend? (Whatever is the popular adult shop in your area) - Kevin Darne of LoveAlert911.com.
Go Nuts ...
For the right couple, if you already have a pretty open relationship and a good sense of humor, try something completely nuts. There are some pretty crazy toys out there that are just perfect if you are already adventurous but haven't brought that sense of exploration into the bedroom yet. One such product was shared by our friends over at Nadgerz is The Balldo ... a silcone rubber cage that allows you to insert your testicles into a partner. We thing this is pretty bonkers but it is worth trying for the right couple.
Get His And Hers Toys So Nobody Is Left Out
Get his and hers toys so everyone has something new to play with. If you are worried that your partner might feel left out with a new toy entering your bedroom, get one for each of you. - Searah Deysach, Sex Educator and Owner of Early to Bed.
Toys Are A Pleasure Enhancement, Not A Replacement
Woman tend to feel comfortable and want to have sex toys, not just one but many. Men on the other hand feel like it implies my penis is not enough. Which at the core strikes at a man’s ego. As a way of spicing up things this valentine start by having the conversation around the meaning and role of the “replacement penis”. What is and what it is not. Give that assurance that it is there to supplement not replace. Add some further reading on the both the male and female anatomy of how these toys can enhance her pleasure. It’s not a replacement penis, it’s a pleasure enhancement. - Kingsley Moyo, Relationship & Sex Therapist, Owner of Life Collective Counselling.
Lube Makes Sex Toys More Fun
Do not forget lubes if you have decided to experiment with penetrative sex toys, including dildos, for maximum sexual pleasure. - Barbara Santini, Psychologist, Sex and Relationship Adviser, dimepiecela.com
Start By Sharing Your Fantasies With Your Partner
The best way to introduce a sex toy into your marriage is by sharing your fantasies with one another. Whether that's using a vibrator on your partner or trying a little light BDSM with silk tie-downs and a blindfold. Then, go out shopping at a lingerie and adult toy shop (which will get the anticipation and excitement flowing) or jump online and scroll through the thousands of toys available. You never know, you may just spur a brand new fantasy together! - Edwina Head Writer, Video, and Podcaster at Bedbible.com
If It's Something You Want To Try - Be Direct And Honest About Desires
It's a mix of being direct and strong about what you want while being flexible enough to ask how other people feel about using sex toys to spice up your marriage or relationship. You can, for example, describe a certain item or sort of toy you'd like to test out and then ask them what they think of it. For example, How would you feel about exploring sex toys together? I suggest. Would you like to explore this sex toy with me? or I enjoy using this sex toy in this way. You should be completely honest with your spouse and share as much information as possible about your wishes, urges, and interests. - Diana Nadim, Clinical Sexologist, Certified Sex Educator, and Vibrator Guru .
Sex Toys Aren't There To Fix A Problem In Your Relationship
If you’d like to introduce toys into your sex life, it’s important to be considerate of how your partner might potentially feel about it. The idea of using toys can sometimes make women feel like they’re not good enough or that there’s something wrong with their sexuality. So instead of surprising her with a toy during sex, initiate a conversation about it beforehand where you’re both able to talk about it openly.
It can be helpful to frame the conversation in a healthy, sex-positive way - that you’d like to explore using toys together to enhance your sexual connection and pleasure in the bedroom (instead of using toys to ‘fix’ a problem or complaint about your sex life). Reassure her that you want her to feel safe to explore her pleasure in a way that feels good for her, that there’s no pressure or obligation to do anything that she’s not comfortable with, and that ultimately you want to have the most satisfying and mutually-fulfilling sex life possible. - Reece Stockhausen, Men’s Relationship Coach and Sex Educator at Practical Intimacy.
Don't Just Focus On Penetration Or Vibration - Toys Are About Playing
Hand restraints and blindfolds are often seen in the bedroom as a tool for BDSM, but they can be used to spice up a couple's sex life without ever leaving the vanilla stage. Restraints make it easier to explore new sensations with a partner because you won't be able to see what is happening around you and they will also lead to more intense foreplay as well as an explosive orgasm! - Eduards & Madara, Founders of Joyful Couple.
Valentine's Day Might Not Be The Perfect Time To Introduce Sex Toys To Your Relationship
I'm all for spicing things up for Valentines day, but my advice for introducing sex toys to your marriage is to maybe not introduce them at such a high-pressure time unless you've talked about them first. So, if your partner has said she's dying to try some light bondage, that's your queue to show up with a cute set of restraints. However, if you've never had the sex toy talk, presenting one as a gift on the big day can feel a bit high pressure if it's something she's uncomfortable with or has never considered. - Tara Struyk, Co-Founder, Editor-in-Chief of Kinkly.com .
Whatever You Do ... Have Fun And Enjoy Time Together!
We got some great advice from our various friends who sent in these tips for Valentines Day about tips for how to introduce sex toys into your adult relationships. The important thing to remember here is that it's about play and using this as an opportunity to learn more about your partner while creating a shared experience. Adult toys are a great opportunity for a couple to grow and try new things but if there are underlying problems with the marriage or relationship already ... simply adding something new to the mix probably isn't going to solve those problems.